It’s really about respect.
By Kate Pinsonneault
Deciding to set a boundary in your life or in your relationship with someone is not always easy. The fact you feel a need to establish a limitation for yourself or someone else tells you something important. Trust that.
Sometimes we need to set limits for ourselves, especially if we start to feel overwhelmed or taken for granted. Saying “no” when someone asks for something can feel uncomfortable. For some people, it’s an automatic impulse to want to help. But if you’re already maxed out and still keep doing things to help others, it will backfire on you or your relationship. Sometimes we’ll regret it, or maybe even resent the other person. If you are one of those people, I get it. I did the same thing for years.
Learning to pause when someone wants something from you is an important first step. Saying, “Let me think about that and I’ll get back to you,” will give you time to consider whether you have the time and energy, if you want to do this, what you might gain or give up in order to do this, if there are other things that take priority for you, etc. Then let the other person know that while you would love to do this for them, you just don’t have the time / have other priorities that you need to tend to or whatever the honest answer is. What you’ll begin to notice is that once you start to put yourself and your needs as the priority, other people respect that and will start to respect you rather than take you for granted. They will begin to value your contributions more.
Sometimes we need to set boundaries with others. The problem is some people will push your boundaries or try to get around them. Maintaining your boundaries with someone who feels that their need or wants are more important can be challenging or exhausting. You may feel that it is easier to give in than to have them upset with you. In these situations, it is important to be clear about your limitations and your flexibility. State exactly what your boundary is and then add, “…and I need you to respect that.” For example, you may say to a friend who wants you to help them with a project. “I have to leave by 4:00, and I need you to respect that.” By adding this phrase, the issue isn’t so much about what they want versus what you want, there is now an expectation that they respect you. So if they tell you, “We’re almost done. Could you just say another hour?” You can reply, “I need you to respect my boundaries and that I need to go by 4:00.” They will get that it’s about whether they can respect your needs or not.
Brene Brown said, “the most boundaried people are the most respected people.” There is truth to that. And not only do others respect you more but also you will gain more self-respect as well.