Self Awareness, Communication and Knowing Our Boundary Needs
With Julie Mills, RPC
As a Registered Professional Counsellor, I work with my clients on a variety of skill-building tools including identifying and setting boundaries. Boundaries do seem to be (in my very humble opinion) the cornerstone of healthy relationships.
The following article is intended to add to your knowledge and thought processes around your own personal and professional boundaries. I encourage you to work with your own counsellor and continue to build your curiosity and self-awareness around enhancing your current boundaries and remaining open to new boundary possibilities.
- BOUNDARY EXPLORATION
Boundaries as a whole are well defined societally and culturally; and yet how we apply them in our personal and professional lives is different for everyone. One way to know when a boundary is working is to notice if it resonates with your values and helps maintain healthy relationships. Ask yourself “what does a boundary mean to me?” As our lives involve many facets, this is a work in progress! For example, we may be very good with our finances or setting limits on the time we are able to give at work, but still require help with setting boundaries with family and friends.
Boundaries expert Nedra Tawwab defines them as “expectations and needs that help us to feel safe and comfortable in relationships. This involves learning when to say yes and when to say no” (Nedra Tawwab, 2021).
When I work with clients and help them with their boundaries – we talk a lot about how things feel in our bodies. Your logical brain might pipe up and tell you that you “feel fine” when a sibling asks to borrow money. However, the internal emotions that are stirred up with that request may tell a different story. As a counsellor I try to help my clients find the balance and to look within for the answers.
- BOUNDARY TYPES
Boundaries are an umbrella term for the different facets of your life:
Physical boundaries: Healthy physical boundaries include building self awareness around what is healthy touch and intimacy i.e. appropriate based on the setting and type of relationship. For example, understanding the differences between what showing closeness or warmth means with colleagues (handshake) versus friends and family (warm hug). As physical boundaries vary, try to think of examples for your own physical boundaries.
Intellectual boundaries: Healthy intellectual boundaries refer to feeling heard and respected for our thoughts and ideas. It is also very important to understand appropriate versus inappropriate discussion depending on the audience i.e. colleague versus a child. Think back on a time when you felt respected versus dismissed. Explore how you felt in each situation and how this impacted your relationships.
Emotional boundaries: Emotional boundaries refer to things like healthy expressions of our emotions and an awareness of how we relate to those in our environment. This type of boundary setting also helps us to learn to discern what is healthy to share with another and what is not appropriate. It is good to understand the difference between “staying real” with people in our lives and oversharing information that may be harmful or overwhelming. Think about a time when you shared some information with someone in your life and how it was received. What was the reaction of the person and did you feel heard and accepted? Alternatively, have you ever felt you disclosed information that was not well received – reflect on why this may have happened.
Sexual boundaries: Sexual boundaries are comprised of emotional, intellectual and physical aspects of sexuality. In order for healthy boundaries to exist, there needs to be a mutual understanding and respect of the limitations and desires between sexual partners. Understanding consent in this case as well as appropriate touch are two examples of healthy sexual boundaries. Try to reflect on your own body’s boundaries and how this can help others interact with you. Can you set clear limits and expectations around on how you want to be treated in any relationship?
Material boundaries: Material boundaries refer to our money and possessions. Healthy material boundaries include self awareness of what one is willing to share for common use versus what is sacred or private to us. For example, sharing one’s car with family members can lead to feelings of resentment if our limits or rules around the use of the vehicle are not understood or respected.
Time boundaries: Time boundaries mean how a person makes use of their own time in all facets of life including work, relationships and recreational outlets. We know when our boundaries have been violated if we feel like we are giving away too much of our time. How do you set time boundaries at work and at home? Are you able to assert your needs around time and how are these needs received by others?
- THE MEANING OF BOUNDARIES
Finding meaning in boundaries may first require personal reflection. Ask yourself how you establish boundaries in your own life that honour your values, establish safety and self-care and still allow you to have healthy relationships with loved ones, friends and colleagues.
As a counsellor trying to help clients with this complex question, I often turn to Nedra Tawwab for evidence-based information that is the basis for setting any boundary. In her book Set Boundaries Find Peace: a guide to reclaiming yourself, she suggests reflecting on the following questions:
- Are my boundaries safeguards or am I overextending myself in areas of my life?
- Am I able to practise my own self-care?
- Do I have the skills and confidence to communicate acceptable and unacceptable behavior?
- To the best of my knowledge, am I creating healthy relationships?
- Do I feel safe as a result of the boundaries I have set?
Here are some questions to reflect on that help you understand if you are in unhealthy relationships:
- Do I feel like my relationships are one-sided or reciprocal (goes both ways)?
- Are my needs being listened to and met?
- Are other’s actions harmful to me including physical, sexual and/or emotional?
- Do I feel negative emotions?
- Am I able to trust the relationships in my life?
- Do the people in my life meet my reasonable requests for boundaries?
Reflections on these questions are connected to your own unique self-expression methods. There are many forms – try to find the one that most resonates with who you are as an individual. It might involve a creative outlet, movement, a quiet place to think or conversations with a trusted friend. The most important thing is that you allow for an acknowledgement of your own emotions based on why boundaries are important to you.
- BOUNDARY EXPLORATION – BUILDING TOOLS AND SKILLS
Developing your own toolkit to help with boundary exploration will allow you to get curious with yourself. As we all learn differently, counsellors can help guide you in this process either through structured tools and/or connecting with your body to notice your thoughts and emotions.
Tip 1: Noticing when a boundary transgression has taken place
Sometimes setting boundaries is noticing when we most feel disrespected by another. If a supervisor has delegated yet another task on your already very full plate, notice how it feels in your body. What feelings come up for you? Common negative emotions are a signal from our body that someone has overstepped our boundaries. Negative emotions can feel like resentment, frustration, disappointment, and/or anger. We might notice sensations like a prickliness in the pit of our stomach, a sudden rigidity in our body, a warm rush of blood to our head or an elevated heart rate.
Tip 2: Building your own map of boundaries
Boundaries with others can be porous, rigid or healthy. Porous boundaries mean we let almost any person get close to us. These boundaries are often weak or poorly expressed. Rigid boundaries mean we keep all of our relationships at a distance to protect ourselves. These boundaries set unhealthy walls which discourage the development of openness and are defined by strict and inflexible rules. Healthy boundaries mean we have built awareness around whom we want be close with based on our feelings of safety and trust. It is possible to have different boundaries for different relationships.