By Kate Pinsonneault
Couples counselling has evolved rapidly over the last decade. We now understand why people feel and react the way we do with their partner. Thanks to neuroscience and influential women in the field of relational therapy (which had been dominated by men), our understanding of relationships and the problems that play out has deepened and expanded. New therapeutic approaches have been developed to focus on our emotions, reactions and defences that can become problematic for couples if they don’t understand what is happening and why.
Effective approaches are now being offered that go beyond focusing on improving communication or trying to be better at meeting each other’s needs Most influential for me have been Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy, Toni Herbine-Blanc’s Intimacy From the Inside Out which utilizes an Internal Family Systems approach to couple’s therapy, and Pat Crittenden’s research on how early attachment styles mature and adapt impacting adult relationships. Their contributions, along with others, have shifted the focus from changing behaviours to looking deeper at what causes us to react, get defensive, or go into a fight/flight response with someone we love.
When our partner says or does something that makes us feel abandoned, unloved, unsafe, not good enough, not listened to, unworthy, or wrong…. that can be like putting salt on an old emotional wound that hasn’t healed. The last thing we want is for the person we love to say or do something that makes us feel the sting of that old wound. We react to protect ourselves from feeling that pain. “Don’t talk to me that way,” “You’re being mean/unfair/ …” “You never listen to me!” But our partner may not understand why we’re upset and reacting. They will likely respond in ways that won’t address the hurt. “Why are you getting so upset?” “You’re making a big thing out of nothing.” “You’re always blaming me.” This will just make things worse, leaving you both feeling upset and disconnected and not knowing why.
Couples counselling can help you understand these dynamics that play out between you. With the right approach, the therapist will gently and compassionately help reveal these old wounds that are under the surface. Not only will you and your partner be able to finally understand how deep that hurt goes, and that these reactions were protective, but a skilled couples counsellor will also be able to help you heal those old wounds.
Check with your counsellor to see what training they have had and what approaches they use. If they can help heal those old emotional injuries, that will change how you feel. Instead of the old pattern of feeling hurt and defensive, you’ll be able to be present and open to your partner, recognizing that if they do react, it is not about you, but is an old hurt that you can now attend to with love and compassion.