For Clients

By Kate Pinsonneault

7 Steps to Break a Habit

1. Clarity

Get clear about What it is you want to change or do differently.  Be exact about the behaviour you want to change. 

2. Break it down

Figure out the Where, When and Who this habit is connected to.  Is there a time of day it tends to happen? Is it in response to a stressor, a trigger, or paired with a place, person or another activity?  When did you first notice this habit developing?  Do you tend to do it when you’re with certain people or when certain people are absent?  Continue to explore the when, where and who connected to this habit. 

3. Why?

 Now that you know what, when, who and where, reflect on Why you are doing this.

The best time to explore this is when you feel the urge to do the behaviour you want to change.  Notice at that moment what is going on in your body.  What sensations, emotions or thoughts are coming up?  Ask yourself, what does this behaviour do for me?   Be really open and honest with yourself.  Does it break the boredom?  Does it make you feel better in the moment?  Does it distract you from something uncomfortable?  Does it help you not feel so alone?

4.  Needs

Now that you know why this behaviour is there, reflect on the need it is trying to meet.  So if this habit is really about not feeling bored, think about what would meet that need and break the boredom. Maybe you’d like to put on some tunes or work on a project.   If your habit prevents you from feeling alone, consider your need for social or emotional connection. Is there a friend or family member you could text or call, or maybe you could ask a friend to come over, or perhaps you’d like to attend a public event?  Maybe your habit makes you feel better in the moment to avoid discomfort.  You might want to reflect on the discomfort and find out what is causing that and what you need to do to address it.  Maybe you’re bothered by a coworker who causes the discomfort.  Rather than relying on your habit to make yourself feel better temporarily, focus on what you need to feel better about the situation with that person.  Maybe you need to ask them if everything is ok or let them know that what they did made you uncomfortable.  

5. Make a Plan

Now we’re getting to How to break your habit.  

Let’s say I realize that my habit of eating sweets happens in the evening around 7:00 when I stop doing the things I need to do. I discovered the reason why I eat sugary carbs is to feel better, which distracts me from thinking about and feeling the stress from the day.  I realized that what I need is to do something that helps reduce the stress I’m holding. I decide to destress by soaking in the tub.  

Once you have the plan, ask yourself about how you will do this.  Consider: Is this is doable short-term and over time?   Will I actually do this every time?   Do I need a plan B?  What might get in the way or prevent me from following through with my plan, and how will I deal with that? Who can I ask to support me with my plan?  etc. etc.

After considering the How questions, and to make my plan more achievable, I decide to add the option of going for a walk in the evening. So I rewrite my plan: Each evening at 7:00, I will either go for a walk or go soak in the tub to process the day and destress. 

6.  Write Your Plan Down and Share It

Once you write out your intentions, let others know your plan. Discuss it with them and get their feedback.  Make any adjustments you’d like.  

For example, after talking to my friend, I decided to alter my plan to: Each Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday evening, I will go soak in the tub and each Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I will go for a walk with my friend at 7:00, leaving Saturday evenings free to do something I enjoy, such as playing games, reading a good novel, going out with friends, attending a public event, doing something creative, etc.

Then post your goal so that you and others can see it and be reminded.  Ask others to support you and let them know what would be helpful. 

7. Celebrate Your Accomplishments.  

The research tells us that we need to do something consistently for 3 weeks to change a habit.  You might want to consider a countdown to 21 days.  Consider what you might want to do to celebrate with your supporters once you get to the 3-week mark.    

Congratulate yourself! 

By Kate Pinsonneault

Have you ever planned to do something and then found a part of you was holding you back? That’s what we call a polarization in IFS.  There’s a part of you that sees the value in doing something but another part that just doesn’t want to for some reason.  If that should happen, try listening to both parts without taking sides.  Here are some questions to ask them, “Tell me why you would like me to do….”  “What are you afraid would happen if we didn’t do that?”  Let it know you understand.  Then ask, “Do you know the other part exists and has a different agenda?”  “Would you be open to hearing what it has to say?

Ask the other part the same two questions about its purpose and its fears. Again, let it know that you get it.  Now introduce the two parts and ask if they can come to an agreement.  Help them to understand each others’ concerns and what they want for you.  Let them know that you value what both do for you, but that you need them to find a balanced, workable compromise.  When you are ok with what they came up with, thank them for their willingness to work together to support you.   

Remember that all of your parts have good intentions, and when they are understood and appreciated, you will have a more positive relationship with them.