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We live with boundaries. From a very early age, we are taught social and cultural boundaries that help us be in relationships within our family, school, and community. Yet applying boundaries in our personal and professional lives as adults is more complex and is different for each of us.

One way to know when a boundary is working is to notice if it resonates with your values and helps maintain healthy relationships. Our lives involve many facets, that can change with different people or situations and can change over time, so setting boundaries is a work in progress. For example, we may be very good with our finances or setting limits on the time we spend at work, but still require help with setting boundaries with family or friends.

Boundaries expert Nedra Tawwab (2021) defines boundaries as, “expectations and needs that help us to feel safe and comfortable in relationships. This involves learning when to say yes and when to say no.” When I work with clients on setting boundaries, we talk about how things feel in the body. Your logical brain might pipe up and tell you that you “feel fine” when a sibling asks to borrow money. However, the internal emotions that are stirred up with that request may tell a different story. As a counsellor, I try to help my clients find the balance and look within for the answers.

Establish boundaries in your life that honour your values, establish safety and self-care will often lead to healthy relationships with loved ones, friends and colleagues. Healthy boundaries require that we build awareness around who we want to be close to based on our feelings of safety and trust. You may need to establish different boundaries for different people.

Establishing boundaries requires self-reflection. Are you clear on your priorities and values? How can you communicate your need for boundaries with others? Are my boundaries flexible or ridged? Does this boundary meet an emotional/physical/safety need?

As a counsellor, I can help you explore what feels best for you and resonates with who you are as an individual. It might involve a creative outlet, movement, a quiet place to think or through conversations. The most important thing is acknowledging your own needs and desires for setting boundaries. These can include boundaries focused on physical touch and intimacy, feeling heard and respected, emotional needs, financial limitations, and time

As counsellors, we can support you in exploring and establishing healthy boundaries. We can help you understand and define your own individual boundaries, provide a trusting and safe space to get acquainted with old patterns of behaviour that might be getting in the way of you setting healthy boundaries that meet your needs. We can also help you with effective language to use so as to minimize any negative reactions and build your confidence.

Understanding your need for boundaries, learning how to communicate your needs, and being proactive creates a solid base for healthy relationships. Learning about yourself and how to meet your needs can be one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.

“Real change, enduring change, happens one step at a time.” — Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Celebrating Ten Years

Adolescence: An Important Stage of Neurodevelopment

By Kate Pinsonneault

Adolescence is a time of profound physical, cognitive, psychological, hormonal, and social changes for our teens. During this time of development, they are discovering who they are becoming and where they belong. It is a time when they need to explore, have new social experiences, challenge childhood beliefs, and decide what feels right for them, independent of their parents.

But as they are going through this turbulent time, they are functioning with a brain that is not yet fully developed. A fundamental restructuring and reorganization of the brain takes place from puberty to age 25.

Because brain development is a bottom-up process, the last part to develop is the prefrontal cortex. This part of the brain is responsible for problem-solving, planning, organizing, prioritizing, considering consequences, impulse control, etc. It is the last to mature. This puts teens in a vulnerable situation and can lead them to do things without the ability to think it through.

When you ask, “Why did you do that?” Or “What were you thinking?” and your teen replies “I don’t know,” they really don’t know. That part of their brain that is able to evaluate the situation, think ahead, consider consequences, etc. is literally not online. Research shows us that decision-making in adolescents is driven by the emotional part of the brain, the amygdala. Teens will impulsively act on what feels good in that moment.

They are also susceptible to what their peers might say or do. This is a time when fitting in and being connected to friends is really important, so they may go along with others, even if they know they shouldn’t. This is because they are more likely to act on what will make them feel comfortable with their peers at the moment.

Because their rational brain is not fully developed, teens are not able to think things through or consider consequences, and because their emotional brain is in the driver’s seat, they will be more impulsive, more reactive, and more easily swayed by their peers.

But other parts of the brain are also working with the amygdala affecting your teen’s behaviour. The parts of the brain that are actively driving teen behaviours are:

sensorimotor (physical activity and sensations),
limbic system (the part of the brain that processes emotions, memories, thoughts and motivations, to tell your body how to respond)
reward systems

And they throw in hormonal changes and sexual development and you can see why teens need their parents to help navigate all that is going on. Without a functioning rational brain, teens are vulnerable. They are consistently in a high-risk group for accidents causing injury or death, car crashes, unintended pregnancies, drug overdoses, etc. They are experimenting, motivated by what feels good in the moment, and often influenced by their peers who also don’t have a functioning rational brain. They may seem mature and able to understand things but when it comes to acting in the moment, their decision will be based on an emotional response in a given situation.

For them to be able to make smart and safe decisions, they need an adult who can help them think things through, consider consequences, and make informed decisions. Being open, accepting, and listening without judgment or criticism is important. They need your help to figure out how to have the outcomes they are hoping for. Creating clear boundaries and safety rules with your teen and reviewing these periodically to make adjustments as needed can also be helpful. Keep the lines of communication open, know they are going to do things that make no sense, and help them think things through because they can’t do that for themselves.

7 Steps to Break a Habit

By Kate Pinsonneault

7 Steps to Break a Habit

1. Clarity

Get clear about What it is you want to change or do differently. Be exact about the behaviour you want to change.

2. Break it down

Figure out the Where, When and Who this habit is connected to. Is there a time of day it tends to happen? Is it in response to a stressor, a trigger, or paired with a place, person or another activity? When did you first notice this habit developing? Do you tend to do it when you’re with certain people or when certain people are absent? Continue to explore the when, where and who connected to this habit.

3. Why?

Now that you know what, when, who and where, reflect on Why you are doing this.

The best time to explore this is when you feel the urge to do the behaviour you want to change. Notice at that moment what is going on in your body. What sensations, emotions or thoughts are coming up? Ask yourself, what does this behaviour do for me? Be really open and honest with yourself. Does it break the boredom? Does it make you feel better in the moment? Does it distract you from something uncomfortable? Does it help you not feel so alone?

4. Needs

Now that you know why this behaviour is there, reflect on the need it is trying to meet. So if this habit is really about not feeling bored, think about what would meet that need and break the boredom. Maybe you’d like to put on some tunes or work on a project. If your habit prevents you from feeling alone, consider your need for social or emotional connection. Is there a friend or family member you could text or call, or maybe you could ask a friend to come over, or perhaps you’d like to attend a public event? Maybe your habit makes you feel better in the moment to avoid discomfort. You might want to reflect on the discomfort and find out what is causing that and what you need to do to address it. Maybe you’re bothered by a coworker who causes the discomfort. Rather than relying on your habit to make yourself feel better temporarily, focus on what you need to feel better about the situation with that person. Maybe you need to ask them if everything is ok or let them know that what they did made you uncomfortable.

5. Make a Plan

Now we’re getting to How to break your habit.

Let’s say I realize that my habit of eating sweets happens in the evening around 7:00 when I stop doing the things I need to do. I discovered the reason why I eat sugary carbs is to feel better, which distracts me from thinking about and feeling the stress from the day. I realized that what I need is to do something that helps reduce the stress I’m holding. I decide to destress by soaking in the tub.

Once you have the plan, ask yourself about how you will do this. Consider: Is this is doable short-term and over time? Will I actually do this every time? Do I need a plan B? What might get in the way or prevent me from following through with my plan, and how will I deal with that? Who can I ask to support me with my plan? etc. etc.

After considering the How questions, and to make my plan more achievable, I decide to add the option of going for a walk in the evening. So I rewrite my plan: Each evening at 7:00, I will either go for a walk or go soak in the tub to process the day and destress.

6. Write Your Plan Down and Share It

Once you write out your intentions, let others know your plan. Discuss it with them and get their feedback. Make any adjustments you’d like.

For example, after talking to my friend, I decided to alter my plan to: Each Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday evening, I will go soak in the tub and each Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I will go for a walk with my friend at 7:00, leaving Saturday evenings free to do something I enjoy, such as playing games, reading a good novel, going out with friends, attending a public event, doing something creative, etc.

Then post your goal so that you and others can see it and be reminded. Ask others to support you and let them know what would be helpful.

7. Celebrate Your Accomplishments.

The research tells us that we need to do something consistently for 3 weeks to change a habit. You might want to consider a countdown to 21 days. Consider what you might want to do to celebrate with your supporters once you get to the 3-week mark.

Congratulate yourself!

Relationship Counselling

By Lianne Labistour

Are you noticing that you and your partner are bickering or getting defensive? Do you feel more like roommates than connected, intimate partners? Are you having the same maddening disagreements about household tasks, parenting, sex, money, in-laws over and over again? You’re absolutely not alone.

Relationships can be tricky — even the best of them. I get it. I’ve been married for 20 years in a blended family (which brings a whole new set of challenges). Patterns tend to get ingrained over the years and, after a while, can feel like they’re no longer working for one or both of you.

What you’ll address in couples sessions is totally up to you, and the pace and tone will always aim to be calm, supportive and constructive. If you’re thinking of meeting with a couples therapist (like me), here are a few things to expect:

The first session with your counsellor as a couple gives you the opportunity to discuss the problems you’re struggling with, gives the therapist a sense of your shared take on the issues, and gives us all a chance to see if we’re a fit.
For many counsellors, but not all, the second time you meet with your counsellor will be on your own, as individuals. Here, we can explore sensitive topics that might need extra care before bringing them up to your partner.
After that, we would have weekly sessions so we can gain clarity, heal old hurts that may be surfacing, increase understanding and compassion for each other, and create new patterns with new skills that can bring lasting change. After we’ve built some momentum, clients may choose to come bi-weekly or monthly for check-ins or some “fine tuning.”
Things might feel uncomfortable at first — that’s normal. Examining our histories, challenging ourselves to try new ways of communicating, becoming more understanding, patient or generous takes time, but couples can often see positive changes after just a few weeks.

If you’re hesitant to try couples counselling, I hear you. The thought of couples therapy can feel overwhelming. Although it’s vulnerable work, know I’ll be here to help you better understand each other and guide you both towards your goals. We’ll go slowly and carefully, ensuring you both feel heard, safe and supported.

Couples Counselling

By Kate Pinsonneault

Couples counselling has evolved rapidly over the last decade. We now understand why people feel and react the way we do with their partner. Thanks to neuroscience and influential women in the field of relational therapy (which had been dominated by men), our understanding of relationships and the problems that play out has deepened and expanded. New therapeutic approaches have been developed to focus on our emotions, reactions and defences that can become problematic for couples if they don’t understand what is happening and why.

Effective approaches are now being offered that go beyond focusing on improving communication or trying to be better at meeting each others needs Most influential for me have been Sue Johnson’s Emotionally Focused Therapy, Toni Herbine-Blanc’s Intimacy From the Inside Out which utilizes an Internal Family Systems approach to couple’s therapy, and Pat Crittenden’s research on how early attachment styles mature and adapt impacting adult relationships. Their contributions, along with others, have shifted the focus from changing behaviours to looking deeper at what is causes us to react, get defensive, or go into a fight/flight response with someone we love.

When our partner says or does something that makes us feel abandoned, unloved, unsafe, not good enough, not listened to, unworthy, wrong…. that can be like putting salt on an old emotional wound that hasn’t healed. The last thing we want is for the person we love to say or do something that make us feel the sting of that old wound. We react to protect ourselves from feeling that pain. “Don’t talk to me that way,” “Your being mean/unfair/ …” “You never listen to me!” But our partner may not understand why we’re upset and reacting. They will likely respond in ways that won’t address the hurt. “Why are you getting so upset?” “You’re making a big thing out of nothing.” “You’re always blaming me.” This will just make things worse, leaving you both feeling upset and disconnected and not knowing why.

Couples counselling can help you understand these dynamics that plays out between you. With the right approach, the therapist will gently and compassionately help reveal these old wounds that are under the surface. Not only will you and your partner be able to finally understand how deep that hurt goes, and that these reactions were protective, but a skilled couples counsellor will also be able to help you heal those old wounds.

Check with your counsellor to see what training they have had and what approaches they use. If they can help heal those old emotional injuries, that will change how you feel. Instead of the old pattern of feeling hurt and defensive, you’ll be able to be present and open to your partner, recognizing that if they do react, it is not about you, but is an old hurt that you can now attend to with love and compassion.

Internal Family Systems (IFS)

Internal Family Systems (IFS) is an evidence-based treatment that recognizes that we all have parts of us that will have their own agendas. Many of us naturally describe our different parts. For example, a person might say, “A part of me is so angry at him, but another part is starting to understand where he is coming from,” or, “A part of me feels so guilty for not studying right now, but another part of me knows I could use the rest.”

We all have many parts, and while they all have our best interests in mind, our parts can also be at odds with each other. These internal struggles can create internal discomfort and confusion. Additionally, if these parts get triggered by past experiences, parts can overreact. A part that wants you to feel better might get you to go shopping for things you can’t really afford or don’t really need or another part might get you to eat 8 cookies. When the part has a protective role, it can become activated to act. So if you meet someone who reminds you of a childhood bully, a part may get angry and defensive or you might have a part that wants you to disappear or avoid that person.

When these parts take over we are sometimes left with regret or confusion. “I don’t know why I did that”. I can’t believe I said that.” “I didn’t mean to…” are common expressions we have after a part has taken over. Others might notice too, “That was so unlike him.”

IFS helps us to get to know these parts and why they feel the need to do what they do. It is the curious and compassionate exploration of the parts that leads to an understanding of why they react impulsively or act counter to our own best interests. By getting to the fears that drive their behaviours, and healing the parts that are wounded by past hurts, these parts can be freed of their roles. When that happens, we experience more control, clarity, joy, and confidence.
IFS can help with: people pleasing, guilt/shame, past traumas, addictions, anxiety, depression, disordered eating, attachment wounds and relationship challenges.

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Knowing Your Boundary Needs