With Kate
Early in my career, I was told that “anger is a secondary emotion and under anger is hurt and fear.” For years, I treated anger as problematic, helping clients explore “what’s under the anger.” And for many, that was helpful, but I soon realized there was more to this.
Many emotional expressions, even laughter, can be a cover for hurt or fear. So why was anger the emotion that we consistently targeted? Why were we taught to look under anger but not under other emotions, and why weren’t we looking at anger and getting to know it better? I soon learned that there is wisdom in our anger, and if we don’t pay attention to it, we can miss something important.
We live in a society that has little tolerance for anger. We learn to bypass our anger, and when we can’t, we are taught to be ashamed of it. I’ve met many clients who will start to express anger about unfair treatment, injustices, or abuses they’ve been subjected to, who quickly shift to something more “acceptable.” Their anger is transformed to irritation, disappointment, annoyance, frustration…. anything but anger.
I’ve come to understand that anger has a valid protective function. Anger builds in our body when we can no longer tolerate something that is escalating or is going on for too long. It gives us the adrenaline we need to act with enough force to stop something that feels intolerable.
This is an essential part of our survival system. Anger responds when our boundaries have been crossed, when a situation has overwhelmed our resources, or when we feel we are being used or put at risk. Anger is an emotional protective reaction with a clear purpose to make something that feels unsafe, distressing or uncomfortable stop. This is a necessary function for our well-being. When individuals are taught to fear anger, reject it, or push it down, it can override survival instincts and that can put us at risk.
Getting to know anger can give us clarity about our values. When we notice it and listen to what it is telling us, it can help us identify situations or relationships that are disrespectful, unfair or harmful and deserve our attention. Healthy anger can also help us build more authentic relationships by addressing issues and setting boundaries before they lead to resentment.
If anger turns into aggression or if an angry reaction is bigger than what a situation calls for, then it may no longer be functional or helpful. This is when it may be necessary to explore what is driving the behaviour. Past abuse, trauma, neglect, or fear of abandonment are examples of early experiences that can create reactions that become extreme.
When there is hurt or fear driving the anger, its intention is still to stop what is making us feel uncomfortable, but instead of addressing something in our environment, the hurt comes from inside. This is the sense of “being triggered.” It can cause us to say things that we don’t mean, make a bad situation worse or cause confusion. And later, when we think about it, we know it’s not how we would have wanted to deal with the situation and are left wondering, “Why did I get so angry over something so minor?”
The answer is that there is a deeper meaning to what just happened. In these cases, we need to pay attention to what we tell ourselves in those moments, “Nobody cares about me, I’m not good enough, they don’t want me… These are old beliefs and fears from childhood that still linger and need to be healed, so they don’t keep getting triggered.
Finding a counsellor who is trained to work with early injuries can help you release these painful feelings and beliefs. There are several effective methods for helping to unburden these old hurts. If this sounds like something that happens to you, please feel free to contact us for the support you need.
