With Kate
At different points in our lives, we may realize that something needs to change. We might not even know what feels wrong or what needs to change, but we know we can’t keep going on like this. We might recognize that we feel depleted, or that close relationships are struggling, or that life is heading in a direction we never wanted. Maybe we noticed that our defensive reactions are damaging relationships, or we feel more stressed or anxious; maybe we find ourselves saying things we later regret, or impulsively take on too much. I want you to know that we all have behaviours that are reactive or impulsive, and while we may not like them, they developed for a good reason. They are there to protect us.
Even people who know what they want to do differently and make a decision to change can find themselves falling back into old familiar patterns. Wanting to change is an important first step, but change is rarely as simple as making a decision and rallying some willpower. Many people begin counselling because they are disappointed in themselves. They may believe they should be stronger and better able to manage their lives. They often assume that if they understand what they are doing wrong, they should be able to stop doing it. And when behaviours don’t change, they may become frustrated with themselves and wonder, “What’s wrong with me?” Often they believe they lack discipline. But that frustration, disappointment and self-criticism can further erode the emotional safety needed to bring about desired change.
What we think of as problematic behaviours are often automatic responses that are not in our control. We don’t make a conscious decision to yell at our kids or shut down when we’re in an uncomfortable conversation. These are reflexive responses shaped by past experiences. Our nervous system gets hardwired for self-protection to ensure our safety and survival. This wiring is happening throughout our developing years. For example, someone who becomes defensive may have learned that not living up to others’ expectations led to criticism and rejection; a person who avoids conflict may have discovered that keeping the peace was the safest way to maintain relationships, or someone who turns to alcohol, food, or video games may be trying to manage distress and soothe feelings that seem overwhelming.
Counselling can help us understand what is keeping us stuck in behaviours we know are not helpful or healthy, but show up as old protective strategies meant to keep us safe or provide comfort. When we were young, we learned ways to feel safe or connected to our caregiver. For some, being small and quiet felt safe; for others, only big, loud reactions would elicit the attention they craved; some learned that taking care of others and being helpful was a way to create safety; and for some, achieving was the only way to positively connect with their parents.
These behaviours get hard-wired in the lower part of our brain that reacts to safety and threat. Whatever we had to do as a child to feel safe or avoid feeling hurt, scared or overwhelmed, those early responses will act as quickly and predictably as our hand does if it touches a hot stove. But the problem is that these protective responses that served us as children will often cause problems for us as adults.
Counselling can not only help us understand the purpose behind these impulsive or reactive behaviours, it can also heal those old wounds and alleviate the fears that drive these behaviours. Once these wounds are healed, protective behaviours will subside, freeing us to be our authentic selves and allowing us to decide how we want to respond in challenging situations. Counselling offers an opportunity to explore these patterns with curiosity rather than judgment. Instead of asking, “Why can’t I stop doing this?” we can begin asking, “What is happening inside me when I respond this way?”
Seeing the protective purpose can lead to understanding the fear that is driving the behaviour. The purpose behind these responses is to make sure we don’t re-experience something that had been too much for us in the past – too hurtful, too confusing, too scary….
Change begins when we face those uncomfortable feelings. We may need to recognize the impact of what happened to us, and what we needed to feel safe. Having a sense of compassion for our younger self, and letting go of negative feelings and beliefs we have held for so long, frees us of those old protective strategies and allows us to function from a place of choice that reflects who we truly are.
The one thing a counsellor will not allow is to have a client re-experience a traumatic event from the past. Should a client get pulled into a memory of what it was like to be young and vulnerable, the counsellor will immediately pause the process and ground their client in the here and now where they are safe and have control. A skilled counsellor will conduct therapy in a caring way that safeguards the client from ever being retraumatized.
A supportive counselling relationship ensures that you’re not alone and that you have a safe space to explore past experiences and better understand your protective system. Sometimes meaningful change involves confronting truths about our past or remembering difficult times that we had suppressed. A skilled counsellor will ensure that the focus is on how past events impacted you, how you adapted to your environment, the beliefs that formed about yourself or others, and the protective behaviours that developed to keep you safe. They will work with you to find a pace that feels comfortable and manageable for you.
Real, long-lasting change comes when we feel safe enough to explore our past with compassion and curiosity, develop trust in ourselves, and let go of old fears and beliefs that would trigger our protective system. Those old protective patterns that once felt automatic can now become conscious choices, and that is when new possibilities emerge and change begins. Once freed of the burdens from the past, counselling can help us identify specific changes we want to make and develop practical strategies to support them. Depending on your goals, this might include:
- Prioritizing your needs
- Setting healthy boundaries for yourself
- Deciding how you want to respond to others in challenging situations
- Strengthening your self-confidence, self-acceptance, and self-worth
- Making decisions based on your values and integrity
Counselling can help us recognize the experiences that shaped us with compassion and curiosity. When we understand how our past affected us, we can spend less energy criticizing or blaming ourselves and put that energy into developing skills and acting on choices we make that help us live a more fulfilling and intentional life.
