With Kate Pinsonneault
Anger is often regarded as a “negative emotion.” We associate it with conflict, loss of control, and regret. Many of us are taught that it’s not ok to express anger and that we need to suppress it, and when we can’t, we often feel shame. But what if we could accept anger as being like any other emotion, knowing it exists for a reason and has a purpose?
Anger lets us know that something isn’t right and needs to stop. Anger activates us and this can be a good thing when we direct that energy thoughtfully and intentionally to make things better. Anger has led to social movements, driven advocacy, and challenged injustice. It can give us the courage to speak up, set boundaries, or leave unhealthy situations.
The key is to notice the anger and pause before we react. When we react, anger is often directed at someone, and we can say things we really don’t mean in order to shut things down. But if we can pause before anger erupts, get curious, and reflect on what doesn’t feel right in that moment, it can help identify and address what feels wrong in a respectful and constructive way.
When we pause to consider what is causing our anger, we often get clarity about our own core values. Respect, honesty, safety, justice, empathy, autonomy, inclusion, fairness, and acceptance are often the issues that anger points to. Maybe our boundaries have been crossed, our values have been violated, or a situation feels unfair.
When we explore anger on a deeper and more personal level, we can also start to see how anger is linked to past experiences when our values were trampled on. When we experience something and our angry reaction becomes bigger than what the situation calls for, it is often because an old wound from our past is being re-experienced. For example, if fairness is a value we hold, and we experienced being treated unfairly as a child, we will likely react with anger towards a person who treats others unjustly. Or if you feel angry when someone dismisses you, it may highlight that you value people being seen, heard and respected, but it may also lead you to old hurts from a time when you felt disregarded or diminished.
In relationships, anger often shines a light on things that didn’t feel right as a child; when our needs were not met, when we weren’t listened to or understood, when we were ridiculed, ostracized or rejected, when we were told we were not good enough, or worse. There is hurt connected to these experiences, and often fear that the messages we got are true. Those messages can turn into beliefs that linger: “I’m not good enough,” “I don’t deserve to be loved,” “No one cares about me,” “No one wants to hear what I have to say, “I don’t belong”…. These hurtful beliefs that developed when you were a child are often what triggers our anger. We don’t want to re-experience the hurt, and anger can effectively shut things down and keep others from going there in the future.
Awareness of what stirs up anger can guide you towards healing those old wounds, creating new beliefs about who you are, and allow you to advocate for yourself more effectively. This also builds self-awareness, tolerance for others, emotional regulation, and the ability to clearly communicate your expectations and needs, which can then strengthen your ability to handle difficult situations without becoming overwhelmed or reactive.
Our anger really just wants our needs for acceptance, respect, belonging, and love to be met and to stop old hurts from surfacing. Healing comes from understanding the hurt and the fears under our anger and responding to those with compassion and care. Focusing on our deeper feelings, challenging old beliefs, and deciding how we want to respond rather than reacting can help us act with clarity and integrity. When we focus on what is under the anger, it can help us shift from feeling that something is wrong or hurtful to making things right, whether it’s asking for what we need, practicing self-compassion, setting clear boundaries, or making decisions that align with our values.
Remember, anger isn’t something to fear or suppress; it’s something to understand. It can be a direct path to healing, insight, and meaningful change. Welcome it, spend time with it, and once you get under that harsh protective outer shell, you will be able to see the vulnerability and hurt that needs your understanding, compassion and kind attention.
If you would like to get to know what is under your anger, please book an appointment with one of our counsellors who can help you discover those young, vulnerable, hurt parts of you and help them heal.
Steps to getting to know your anger:
- Approach your anger with openness and curiosity – instead of judgment:
- Pause and notice what you’re feeling physically and emotionally, and what thoughts came up?
- Ask what the anger is pointing to—What feels unfair, hurtful, or important?
- Check for beliefs – When they said/did that, then that must mean ….
- Pause and Reflect before acting – What do you need?
- Focus your energy on something constructive – How do I make this right? What can I do to feel better about this situation?
- Communicate clearly and calmly – Ask for what you need. Focus on your feelings, your past, and your needs, not on what the other person said or did.
