With Kate Pinsonneault
No relationship is stagnant. All relationships go through ups and downs, and they also evolve and go through seasons as different as the change from spring to summer, then fall to winter. Each season leaves behind qualities and makes room for a new ways of being in relationship. But sometimes these transitions can be unexpected, and we can find ourselves resisting these inevitable changes.This new and promising relationship create a surge of feel good hormones such as oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin. But at some point, the novelty fades and the reality of two different lives merging can bring a variety of challenges. There will be times when it feels like you and your partner are in a sudden storm or living on opposite sides of a quiet divide. There may be times when you find yourselves arguing over something petty but at the time it felt big. And there will be other times when you feel hurt, unheard or misunderstood with no way to resolve it. And there may be times when you’re not talking much at all, and find yourself missing the closeness you once had when your relationship was new
If any of this is familiar, you are not alone. Every couple faces challenges as their relationship evolves and matures. Early hopes can turn to disappointment or hurt. Communication that was once easy can feel frustrating or futile. I want you to know, there are reasons for these changes. Understanding why these are happening can not only help you feel prepared, it can also help you not take things personally. Instead of reacting to your partner, you’ll know how to connect in ways that bring you closer.
Couples therapy offers a space where you and your partner can slow down, reconnect, and really understand each other again. It’s not about taking sides or deciding who’s right or wrong, it’s about exploring what’s underneath the surface so you can understand what each of you feels, fears, and needs but may have trouble putting into words.
Your counsellor can also help you see how old hurts, beliefs or fears can surface unexpectedly causing an instant protective reaction that is often bigger than what the situation calls for. This in turn can cause your partner to react defensively. This happens to all of us and we are often left wondering what just happened as we helplessly experience a bad situation getting worse despite our efforts to feel heard and understood. Often, things escalate and nothing is resolved. Couples counselling can help you identify these patterns and help you heal old wounds so you are no longer triggered or defensive.
A therapist can guide you through a process of exploration, understanding, and acceptance to help you create the relationship you long for. Couples therapy helps you shift out of those stuck patterns that leave you feeling unheard, misunderstood, attacked, unloved or alone. It can help you see your partner for who they are, recognize their needs, and learn to respond with care and compassion from a place of true understanding and love.
The goal of couples therapy is to help you truly see each other so you can connect in ways that build emotional safety and trust, communicate in ways that validate your experiences, and help you feel heard and understood. But this requires a willingness from both people to be open and vulnerable about what’s really happening at a deeper level. Being truly seen and understood, and feeling accepted and loved for who you are is at the heart of any lasting intimate relationship. It is what brings us a deeply felt sense of connection and comfort that all of us crave, need and deserve. It is what endures over time, providing comfort, support, and strength to you both.
