With Kate Pinsonneault
Couples often imagine that bringing home a new baby will be a joyful and deeply rewarding experience, and while it is, there is also a flip side. Excitement, awe, and love often mingle with exhaustion, change, and uncertainty. The arrival of a dependent little newborn into your home can disrupt routines, deplete your energy, and put strain on your relationship.
It’s normal for couples to experience more conflict at this time when sleep deprivation, increased financial concerns, navigating new roles and responsibilities, etc., all add to the stress already felt by this major transition into parenthood. When we’re under stress, communication and connection become more challenging. It is hard to be giving, supportive or understanding of your partner when you are feeling stressed, depleted and needy yourself. It’s easy to feel that your partner is not there for you, or doesn’t do enough, but it’s only because they, too, are feeling exhausted, uncertain, and maybe even a bit scared.
It can really help to be open with your partner about your experiences, feelings, worries, needs, expectations and hopes throughout this transition. Knowing you are in this together and finding ways to support each other can make a big difference. Even little things like making your partner a cup of tea, or suggesting they have a nap, go for a walk, or soak in the tub while you tend to the baby shows them you care. Being able to laugh together and see the humour in situations can be a great way to relieve some stress. It’s also important to get some sleep whenever you can and to have periods of time to connect with friends and do the things that are important to you.
Building your resources and supports can make a big difference. Connecting with other parents can be a wonderful way to feel understood, supported and encouraged, while also picking up some practical tips or strategies to try. Take up the offer your friend made to babysit so you can have a date night, ask parents, siblings or friends for help or advice when you need it, hire a house cleaner to take care of the things you just don’t have time for… Don’t try to do it all on your own. Remember, “It takes a community to raise a child.”
Adjusting to life with a new baby is not just about learning how to care for an infant—it’s also about learning how to balance the needs of your baby with self-care and your relationship. Caring for a baby may feel like the priority, and while you’ll need to invest time and energy into giving all the love and care your little one deserves, it is equally important that you tend to your own needs and the needs of your partner. Couples have each other’s support and understanding, and often find their relationship becomes stronger. New parents often do better when they know that stress will be part of this journey and talk openly about it, find ways to cope, and build support. Knowing this transition is temporary can also help couples through this challenging time and not let the stress they feel eclipse the love and commitment they have for each other and their new family.
